Dressing for your shape and size

My biggest pet peeve is people who don't dress for their size and shape.  I never subject people to seeing my fat legs in short shorts or my tuckshop arms in spaghetti straps.  Look in the mirror and think about other people for once!  No one needs to see your lumpy legs; wear a skirt, trousers or something a tad looser and longer.  No one needs to see your flabby belly, stop wearing tight tops and crop tops and invest in a normal shirt.

Being end of financial year, we have recently had our EOFY work function.  For any new starters, like myself, I thought I would share some age old wisdom about work functions.

1.  Dress for your shape.  Seriously, if everyone is going as skanky santa and you are thunder thighs then put on some leggings or a longer skirt.  Or how about volunteering to be the sleigh or something?  Not only does your outfit hurt my eyes, but it hurts other people's impressions of you.

2.  Be friendly, but not too friendly.  This especially applies to the older men who may work at your firm.

3. Remember that if you wouldn't want your grandma seeing you in it, you probably wouldn't want your workmates seeing you wearing it.

4. Have fun.  There is nothing worse than people who ruin the fun for everyone else.

5. Use other people's drunkenness to network with them.  They are more likely to talk to you about personal things without feeling like you are awkwardly trying too hard to be their friend.  I swear it's not manipulative...

6.  Take care of each other.  Next year you could be the one in need of a hand.

In other news,  I bought a beautiful 1920's style hat this weekend from Forever New for $39.95. It is similar to this one below, but in camel, and I am dying to wear it to high tea, or on a picnic...

Comfortable corporate wear

“Dress sharply and they notice the dress.  Dress impeccably and they notice the woman – Coco Chanel”

I'm currently stuck in my comfy bed with the flu, and it got me thinking about comfortable office wear.  Does it even exist?  I know most office clothes are meant to be structural and tailored,  but some days my body hates me, or we have a loooong lunch to attend, or I'm just downright sick.  On those kinds of days I want to be comfortable, and I don't want to have to sacrifice my sense of fashion-self to do it.  I'm definitely not going to be wearing a snuggie to the office.

Flats

The first item of clothing that heavily affects my level of comfort, when all I want to do is lie under the desk and die, is shoes.  High heels on a day when your muscles are sore just make the office a living hell.  That is where flats come in.  Keep some black flats and some heels that go with everything under your desk at all times and you will never have a bad foot day again.

For the office, it's best if your flats are closed toed, neutral coloured, and in good condition.  Make sure they have some sort of soft sole going on and that they are not just a piece of fabric between your foot and the ground.

Steve Madden Kindness $35.95

Stuart Weitzman Elderberry $235.00

Edward Mellar Fixation $189.00

Structured dresses with a bit of stretch

You may have seen the word "ponte" on clothing labels,  this is actually the name of a polyester knit fabric that  resists wrinkles and creases and is very durable.  So, you'll be comfortable and you wont have to iron it in the morning.  As an added bonus, you can fill up at that firm-funded lunch.  For a cheaper option, Basque does a lot of dresses in this fabric. 

Michael Kors Ponte Pencil Skirt $52.12

Queenspark Ponte Dress $99.98

Wrap dresses

Wrap dresses are flattering and comfortable.  Just be careful with the necklines on these dresses which tend to be too low if you don't buy the right size. 

Leona Edmiston Latifa Dress $465.00

Allanah Hill I'm a Bit Beautiful Frock  $389.00

What not to wear

Do not attempt to wear track pants to work.  They are NOT going out clothes, despite what those Bonds ads insinuated. 

No, the heels don't make it any better

Don't wear clothes that are too tight.  They are bound to be uncomfortable, for you and for the people who have to look at you. 

Alicia, what is going on?

Don't wear ugly clothes.  Your "comfy" clothes to lounge around in at home and eat ice cream out of the tub in when your boyfriend dumps you, are not office appropriate. 

Don't just belt your Slanket and get on the bus

And when I feel so bad I can't even get a good outfit on, I know I'm too sick to go to work.

Faux Pas

A faux pas is defined by Wikipedia as "a slip or blunder in etiquette, manners, or conduct; an embarrassing social blunder or indiscretion."  As quick as I am to avoid fashion faux pas, I often accidentally commit social suicide when I violate the social norms and cross into social faux pas territory.

One of my biggest flaws is that I am horrible with names.  If I don't have you on Facebook, and your name is not written near your face somewhere, it is very likely that I won't remember your name.  In fact, when you say "Hi my name is Blah", by the time I say ,"nice to meet you", I have no idea what you said your name was.  You could introduce yourself numerous times with different names and it would take me a while to cotton on. 

At my current workplace I have incorrectly accused someone of being a PA, not that there's anything wrong with that, but the person in question was a manager more senior than myself.  Just today I asked someone if we had met before, despite the fact we have actually had an entire conversation before.  I swear I am just not good with names and faces.  


At least I profusely apologise for my social faux pas.  Nobody ever apologises when they commit a fashion faux pas.  If you commit the below offences, there's no one you can apologise to enough to make it okay.

Shrimp Cocktail Toes

This occurs where your open-toed shoes are too small, and your toes hang over them like a shrimp cocktail.

Canadian Tuxedo
Also known as the denim sandwich, or denim on denim.

Track suits on fat people

Please don't dress like you're going to the gym when you haven't seen one in years.

Leggings as pants

Leggings are not pants. 

Also tights are not leggings.

Jeggings have no place in the world

Side boob

Especially droopy side boob, I'm sorry gravity has caught up with you.  Not even the men want to see that.

What are your most hated fashion faux-pas?

Fashion Citation

Fashion Tips for Business Casual Friday

Another casual Friday, another fashion disaster.  Here are my tips for negotiating business casual Friday in the corporate office.  I thought most of these were self-evident, but from what I saw last Friday I now know that common sense isn't so common.

• "Casual" is not synonomous with "ugly"
  
  
• Clothing that is never acceptable in the office, is still not acceptable on Friday.  For example, see through clothing, fishnets, pajamas, mini skirts.
  
  
• You should wear clothes that are a little more on trend than usual.
  
  
• If you wear the same jeans every Friday, it becomes a Friday uniform.  The idea of casual Friday is to be able to break free from the corporate uniform.  Not to create a new Friday uniform.  This takes all the fun out of Friday.
  
  
• It doesn't matter that it's casual Friday, people will still judge you.  When you are relatively junior, there is not much to differentiate you.  Most people at work will have amazing degrees with great marks and high intelligence. People who are higher up on the corporate ladder only really have your personality and how you dress to help form their impressions of you.
  
  
• Your clothing should match your personality. You spend most of your life in work clothes so pick clothes that you like and that you would wear even if you didn't have to go to work.
  
  
• Casual doesn't mean unprofessional. Don't wear that shirt you just bought with the Charlie Sheen quotes on it.
  
  

• Your clothing should be clean and neat. Casual Friday is not "no-iron-Friday"
  
  
• Look at what other people wear, casual Friday standards are not universal.  If you stand in Martin Place for a few hours on a Friday morning you might begin to believe that some offices have a dress-like-a-hobo-Friday policy.
  

What are your tips for casual Friday?

What's shaped like a vagina and holds tampons?

Sometimes I feel the need to buy "Fashion Police" stickers and walk around the city sticking them to people dressed atrociously.  One of the worst fashion crimes in Sydney is women who wear ugly or cheap looking bags.  A bag can ruin an entire outfit; and if you're wondering why I'm throwing up on the bus to work, it's not motion sickness, it's your hideous bag.

I understand the idea that a bag should be practical and not just fashionable, but in my opinion it needs to be both.  You don't see me wearing my practical pajamas to work. My point is, practical is just one part of the accessory story.

On the topic of practicality, a work bag should be able to fit A4 paper and a pair of shoes in it. I recently purchased an Oroton briefcase which I personally think is perfect.  It can fit a laptop and some A4 shaped items, and its structured.

I was once told that your work bag should reflect your work. A structured bag reflects an organised, strong person; a slouchy hobo reflects a slouchy hobo person.

I do love hobos though (the bags!!), I've been lusting for the Marc Jacobs Classic Q Hillier Hobo.  I think it's got just enough structure for me to pass off as an organised person who dislikes hobos, but secretly enjoys watching bum fights.

\

 And work bags don't need to be black, although it seriously helps when you look at your leather bags and wallets and realize you somehow managed to get blue pen marks on every single one of them, and then when you try to remove the marks with leather cleaner it removes the leather but NOT the blue pen!!!!! AARGH. 

Anyway, I thought I'd leave you with some vomit-inducing handbags for you to consider. 

   "Marc by Marc Jacobs Pretty Nylon Tote"

Marc, I know you tried to fool me into buying this by putting your name on it, but it's not working.  I can't work out if this bag is made of a quilt, or it's a giant nappy bag. Or is it a sleeping bag?  Whatever it is, I'm not paying $198 for it

   I don't even know what this bag is
Katherine Heigl, I'm sure I don't have to remind you that you are a celebrity and you are setting a bad example for young women across the world.  If anybody knows where this bag is from, I'd love to hear from you.

   Louis Vuitton Tribute Patchwork bag 
OMG girls!! Only 24 of these bags were made evarrrr!!! and with a price tag of only about $40,000 why wouldn't everyone want one!!!  The fact there are only 24 of these bags actually makes me happy that I am not likely to ever be subjected to seeing one in real life. It's like some kid in a sweatshop sewed all the half-made Louis Vuitton bags together when he ran out of material.

    The vag bag
I thought I'd throw this one in for a laugh.  I dare someone to actually wear it to work.  I've previously seen this on the web labelled "What's shaped like a vagina and holds tampons?"

   and just so you don't think I'm sexist...